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18 Indications That Drinking Coffee Isn’t For You

1. First of all, you can’t deal with everyone else’s unbridled coffee enthusiasm.

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2. When coffee snobs start talking about their favorite blend, you immediately tune out.

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WTF is peaberry? Isn’t coffee just coffee?

3. Plus, coffee lingo is literally gibberish.

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This is not a real sentence and I refuse to believe otherwise.

4. Sometimes you have some to fit in even though you don’t actually know what you’re doing.

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“Should I put something into it? Stir it? How much should I have? What even is coffee???”

5. You spend more time waiting for it to cool than actually drinking it.

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6. Then you start drinking and your body enters panic attack mode.

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“Am I going to die? I think I might die.”

7. Your eyes are basically popping out of your head.

8. And it…uh…messes with your stomach.

9. But don’t even think about trying decaf, because you will be judged. HARD.

But don't even think about trying decaf, because you will be judged. HARD.

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10. Plus, it doesn’t even taste very good.

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Unless you use TONS of milk and sugar, it’s basically like drinking bitter dirt.

11. One wrong move and your coffee’s all over the place.

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12. So when friends ask you to meet for coffee, you always have to order a pastry or something instead.

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And you only do it so the baristas won’t totally judge you.

13. Otherwise, you just know that it will mess with your sleep later.

14. And if you can even get asleep, coffee will inevitably haunt your dreams.

15. But let’s be real — you probably can’t, because you don’t know your caffeine limits.

16. Whenever it’s your turn to make coffee for the office, it never goes well.

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17. And, honestly, they can never get your name right at Starbucks, anyway.

18. But you know what? There are benefits to eschewing that daily cup of joe.

So everyone else can enjoy their coffee. You don’t need it.

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