22 Awkward Situations Antisocial People Know Too Well
1. You’re so out of practice that you’re often not sure how to greet people.
Do I… hug your hand? Do people still fist bump? Did they ever? I don’t understand.
2. When you’re forced to interact, you forget whatever it is that humans discuss with one another.
So. Weather, right? It sure is.
3. …And when you DO talk, you discover that keeping to yourself so much means that you’ve forgotten how to form logical sentences.
Wait, what is that word for people who aren’t Netflix? Is there a word for that?
4. You’re so used to staying in, enjoying your own company, that you sometimes fail at dressing like a human adult when venturing out in public.
I think this technically counts as clothing.
5. And when you do venture out to interact with other people, you spend the entire party playing with the host’s pet.
Duchess Von Tiddlywinks is the only one who really understands me anyway.
6. And if there’s no pet around, people at the party will definitely notice that you’re spending too much time in the bathroom.
Wait, no, I’m not… Doing that. No. I’m just hiding from you.
7. You struggle to come up with new and exciting ways to leave social functions early. It can get weird.
Wait, I’m getting a call. “Obama! Hi! What? Well, if it’s a matter of national security then, yes, of course I’ll leave before wishing Skyler and Tyler a happy four monthaversary.”
8. And you come to realize that most of your social interactions are carried out at a distance, usually via text. Specifically, via the poop emoji.
It’s so useful, though.
9. Sometimes, you fail to creatively switch up ways to cancel plans.
“Sorry, I can’t go out. My hamster is sick.”
“You don’t own a hamster.”
“My grandma. She is sick. And her name is Hamster. So.”
10. You make your own fun, and sometimes that means having a roommate walk in on your solo dance party.
I wasn’t twerking alone on a Friday night, I was… sneezing? Repeatedly. And sensually.
11. And you eventually discover that trying to drink ALONE at a bar is nearly impossible.
Seriously not looking for a date that isn’t a book or a whiskey, but thank you.
12. And, at the movies (again, alone,) you often find yourself sitting between horrible strangers.
This couple is having sex ON the armrest.
13. And, when you go out to eat, there’s that moment when you realize other people at a restaurant think you’re being stood up.
Not at all. I’m on a very important date with my favorite person.
14. Also, there’s that awful moment when you forget not to eat like a garbage monster in public.
Eating a turkey sub sideways is something you should save for when you’re by yourself.
15. And you’re so used to singing out loud in your room that you accidentally do it in public.
“First thing’s first, I’m—-” Sorry. I’m so sorry.
16. When you do attempt to date something other than your TV, you pretty much fail at flirting.
“Hello there, cowboy. I couldn’t help but notice that you have eyeballs.”
17. And you often laugh out loud at your own thoughts, even in public.
Because, well. Someone has to.
18. You’ll eventually get caught in an anti-social lie thanks to social media.
When I said I was busy, I meant I was busy publishing slashfic on Tumblr and then fighting about it on Twitter.
19. You talk about characters from your favorite Netflix shows as if they’re real people.
I just feel like Poussey would be more of a yellow Starburst than a pink Starburst person so we’d never have to fight over which one of us gets which flavor, you know?
20. …And spend so much time reading alone that you begin speaking the way your favorite authors write.
“I am not that anti-social,” I told them.¹
¹ But, being a descarada, I was lying, and I damn well knew it.
21. Plus, you spend so much time online that you accidentally say “LOL” out loud in front of humans.
Ess Em Dee Aych.
22. And your attempts to hide your distaste for prolonged human interaction rarely work.
Just being honest, guys.
This is all to say: SORRY. I can’t hang out.
But maybe next time.