28 Reasons Being Old Will Be Totally Awesome
Your entire life is basically just killing time until you’re a senior citizen.
1. Being able to yell “Get off my lawn!” unironically.
2. Wearing a flat cap without looking like a hipster douchebag.
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3. Watching people freak out when you tell them you still drive.
For extra fun you can complain about how your eyesight is going.
4. Getting easy laughs whenever you use slang.
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5. Saying, “Eh, what’s that? Speak into my good ear!”
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No one needs to know you hear just fine.
6. Being super grumpy.
7. Also, super mean.
People pretty much just accept it when you’re old.
8. Peppering your conversation with old person cliches like, “Back in my day…”
9. Hanging with your grandkids, then sending them home when you’ve had enough.
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All the adorableness of children with only a smidgen of the effort!
10. Trolling young people about what it was like in the past.
11. Making yourself out to have been the most awesome person ever.
Who’s to say you didn’t beat LeBron James in a pick-up game back in ‘03?
12. Terrorizing the sidewalk on one of these.
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13. All of the senior discounts.
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Cheaper food, cheaper movies, cheaper flights and hotels, cheaper clothes…
14. Pretending to be dead just to mess with people.
15. Calling everyone “Sweetheart.”
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Also, “Darling,” “Kiddo,” “Baby,” or anything else that might get you slapped today.
16. Making a very convincing Santa with minimal effort.
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17. Not giving an “F” anymore.
You’ll wear your slippers to the supermarket to buy bourbon and cat food if you want to.
18. Rocking a mumu.
19. The high-waist pants will be pretty boss too.
20. Getting props for doing basic things.
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No one’s impressed that you email now, but they will be when you’re old.
21. Being retired and NOT. HAVING. TO. WORK.
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22. Which will lead to lots of time for new hobbies.
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23. Mocking young people for not knowing as much as you do about the past.
“Bush was president during 9/11, not Clinton, you numb skull!”
24. Also, grossing them out by acting super horny.
25. Pretending to nod off so you can eavesdrop.
“What about that old guy over there?” “Don’t worry about him. He’s asleep.” Heh.
26. Hearing your kids complain about how hard it is to be a parent.
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That’ll be your chance to remind them how you used to say, “One day, when you have kids of your own, you’ll understand.”
27. No longer having to pretend to like anything.
Jim Henson Productions
If you think something sucks you’ll say so, and if someone contradicts you, you’ll just throw up your hands and yell “Bah!”