29 Signs You’re No Longer A Rookie Parent
Been there, done that.
1. Your baby bag no longer looks like the Goodyear blimp.
And now you actually remember to pack diapers!
2. When you choose to stay up late it’s with the full knowledge that you’ll be a zombie the next day.
But hey, sometimes your mental health requires a little binge watching of TV shows without talking animals.
3. You no longer poke your sleeping baby to see if they’re breathing.
That doesn’t mean you don’t lean in REAL close and listen.
4. You no longer freak out when your kid falls down.
You’re like, “You’re okay.” (sips coffee)
5. You turn your phone on guided access before you let your kids play with it.
RIP deleted apps.
6. You no longer have a “Level 10” breakdown when you have to cut your baby’s nails.
Now it’s like level 6 or 7… because that shit’s still nervewracking.
7. You started a profile for your kid on Netflix.
This way Netflix can suggest My Little Pony to your kid, and Jennifer Lawrence movies to you.
8. When your kid asks to go into a toy store “Only to look,” you just laugh.
9. You’ve developed “Spidey sense” for when your kids are getting into trouble.
Things are quiet. Too quiet.
10. You don’t get embarrassed easily anymore.
“What’s that? I’m wearing sweatpants in public with spit-up on them? So I am.”
11. You don’t tell your kid about plans until right before they happen.
This way you avoid nuclear meltdowns caused by statements like, “I know I said we were going to Frozen On Ice, but I’m afraid it’s sold out.”
12. You know better than to leave a drink within arm’s reach of your little one.
They’ve got Go Go Gadget arms, these kids.
13. When you say it’s time to go and your kids whine you’re like:
14. You wipe snot off your kid’s nose without a second thought, and have probably even used the Nose Frida.
Literally sucking the snot out of your kid’s nose? That ain’t no rookie move.
15. Changing a diaper — even a nasty one — is NBD.
Now you can get up in the middle of a meal, change the rankest of diapers, then sit back down and keep eating without missing a beat.
16. When it comes to kid’s clothes, you value functionality (not to mention affordability) over all else.
A $70 kid’s shirt that is hand wash only? No thanks, Gwyneth.
17. You don’t get poached on doll clothes either.
You know the “American Girl” knock-off clothes at Target are super cute and your kid can’t tell the difference. (Yet another reason to love Target.)
18. You don’t like to brag, but when it comes to peekaboo you’re basically a rock star.
Do babies laugh when you play peekaboo? Does the earth circle the sun?
19. You know all of the children’s characters by their name.
You even know “Doc” McStuffins’ first name is “Dottie.”
20. You’re an expert on children’s books, too, and know which ones to suggest when you don’t have much time.
When your show starts in five minutes: “We’re reading Goodnight Moon!”
21. Speaking of books, your funny voices are on point.
You even crack yourself up, TBH.
22. You can brush someone else’s teeth just as well as your own.
It doesn’t even matter if your kid is squirming like a toad.
23. You have the “parent tone” down cold.
24. And the “parent look.”
Your kids better not play with you.
25. Your arms are shockingly strong.
Your “guns” may not look like a bodybuilder’s, but over the course of a day you lift way more pounds (in kids) than they do.
26. You can sleep in any position.
You can even sleep with a toddler foot in your face.
27. When your kids say they don’t like the dinner you made it’s no longer the gut punch it used to be.
28. Other parents have started to ask YOU for advice.
At first you were like, “You don’t want to ask me,” but then you realized you know your stuff.
29. Lastly, you have more confidence as a parent than you ever dreamed possible.
You’ve got this.