Deconstructing The “Gotta Have My Pops” Teenage Meltdown
1. Children of the ’80s and ’90s: What I am about to tell you may cause you to re-live the most upsetting moments of your teenage life. Are you ready? Here goes…
2. THERE ARE NO MORE CORN POPS.
(We are clearly a deeply traumatized people.)
3. You first try to keep yourself together.
4. It’s OK. In fact, today is the day you kick this evil habit. And you tell yourself, “I JUST LOVE GRAPEFRUIT. I DON’T NEED YOU, POPS.”
5. But there’s a creeping feeling of need simmering inside you.
6. And the realization that you’re about to go through withdrawal. You can feel the panic attack coming on. SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT.
7. Ugh, great. And now your parents are catching on.
(Yes, that is your favorite addict, Jesse Pinkman.)
8. OH MY GOD, SHUT UP, PARENTS. YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND.
9. You would literally rather read a D.A.R.E. pamphlet than have to talk to your parents.
(This is the most messed up moment of your childhood that you will discuss time and time again with your shrink.)
10. OH GOD. If you don’t get some Pops soon, you might just die.
11. This is the worst day of your life.
12. And now the panic sets in.
13. You are freaking the fuck out.
14. You are having a complete internal meltdown.
16. WAIT. There are more Pops. It’s going to be OK.
(Also…you just went through all of that for nothing?)