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How To Throw A Baby Shower Like Jessica Simpson’s In 14 Complicated Steps

If you’ve been living on earth for the past approximately 11 years, you know Jessica Simpson is as pregnant as the day is long. She’s so importantly pregnant, in fact, that the tabloids have started covering the fact that she’s still pregnant. ran this story:

And Us Weekly ran a story today about how Snooki is mortified by the size of Simpson’s bump.

The world’s most important commenters are even tweeting their concern:

How has jessica simpson still not given birth to this baby? I’m getting frightened.— Chelsea Handler (@chelseahandler) April 27, 2012

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But despite all the haters and worriers, Simpson is making the most of this joyous time in her life. Yesterday, she unleashed onto Vimeo the official video montage from her baby shower. It was apparently Charlotte’s Web-themed, but I didn’t pick up on that at all watching it. However, if you are one of those women in a position where you have to throw another woman a baby shower, you might pick up some valuable tips from J-Simps’s, which was just about as perfect as baby showers get. I broke down the steps so that anyone can have as equally idyllic and joyous a baby shower as She of the Never-ending Pregnancy.

10. Step 1: Put “BABY” in big saloon-style lit-up letters on a wall made of bushes.

12. Step 2: Incorporate shabby chic furniture into the decorating scheme.

It makes you look more wealthy and relatable all at once!

13. Step 3: Contrast the spendiness of the party and guests with mismatched paper lanterns.

Intersperse decorative bird-less bird cages to heighten the shabbiness of the chicness.

14. Step 4: Prop presents decoratively on bales of hay.

Add a pig pillow for good measure.

15. Step 5: Wear a sheer snakeskin-printed long-sleeve dress.

Basically, you want to look like a translucent dyed-blue python. (Who happens to have a really expensive hair dresser.)

16. Step 6: Make guests wear pink plastic safety pins around their necks so that everyone is constantly reminded they are at a baby shower, and you are having a girl.

17. Step 7: Do not wear embarrassing pink plastic safety pin ribbon necklace yourself.

18. Step 8: Place cartoonish cardboard animal cutouts around for ambience.

Step 8: Place cartoonish cardboard animal cutouts around for ambience.

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Optional step 8a: Make guests drink out of jars but do provide straws. (See above re: shabby chic.)

19. Step 9: Invite only the most fah-bulous babies, who wear tutus:

20. And hair accessories, even though they have no hair.

21. And are willing to take one for the team by wearing all the safety-pin necklaces other guests didn’t want to wear.

22. Step 10: Only serve pie and fruit.

23. And some guacamole to dip the pies in.

It’s a great way to be all, “Go pregnancy! Here’s to cravings!

24. Step 11: Act excited when people give you gifts that clearly came from the cash wrap at Urban Outfitters.

25. And totally insane-looking pink baby cowboy boots.

26. Along with the stuff that is actually necessary.

27. Step 12: Force no men to attend, except for the guy who impregnated you:

28. And the guy serving drinks:

29. Step 13: Set up a knitting station for the elderly.


And here’s video footage of just what you’ll get if you do all of that perfectly. Happy showering!

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