Important Debates With The Cast Of “Workaholics”
Earlier this week on a dreary morning filled with snow, Blake Anderson, Adam DeVine, Anders Holm, and Kyle Newacheck — collectively recognized as the dudes from Comedy Central’s Workaholics — sauntered into the BuzzFeed New York office and into our collective heart. We presented them with a series of debate topics — some burning and earnest, others just ridiculous — and given their admission to heartily enjoying the Super Bowl the previous night, we found their ability to take even the most ludicrous question seriously and remain hilarious with a hangover quite impressive.
We presented the gentlemen a series of questions in which they MUST choose one answer or the other — these are their answers.
BuzzFeed Whitney: As the odd man out — why LARPers, Blake?
Blake Anderson: It’s really close to D&D and I’m just a fan of the fantasy realm. (Points to his drawing)
BuzzFeed Whitney: And why did the rest of you choose Juggalos?
Adam DeVine: You can go to the dark carnival of souls for free. I’m into hatchets.
Anders Holm: Faygo, baby.
Adam: Moon Mist. They’ve got a lot of great soda flavors.
Ders: And LARPing’s, like, for nerds. Juggalos are, like, hardcore —
Adam: — badass dudes.
Ders: (to Blake) I’m just saying.
Adam: I was at an airport like five years ago and I thought the hatchet man was The Offspring logo. My flight’s all messed up and I’m trying to relate to this chick, I’m all, “Well, uh, maybe we can get me on the next one.” And I’m like, “Ooh, cool, Offspring! I’m a fan.” And I didn’t get on that flight.
Ders: The worst thing you can do to a Juggalo is not know about their weird subculture.
Kyle Newacheck: I think it’d be fun to hang out with them just to feel better about yourself.
BuzzFeed Whitney: You guys didn’t film the “Straight Up Juggalos” episode at the Gathering, did you?
Kyle: No, we recreated our own gathering. Much safer.
Adam: It looked good though, right? Looked pretty good!
BuzzFeed Dave: I went to the gathering.
Adam: Oh yeah? How was it? Bizarro?
BuzzFeed Dave: Well you said, [Kyle], that you feel better about yourself. I felt pretty good at the end of that. It was wild. People were putting things in weird places.
Ders: What do you mean? Can you elaborate on that? “Weird things in weird places”? Like stumpy arms and butts?
BuzzFeed Dave: Yeah… they were cutting things off their bodies you shouldn’t be cutting off.
BuzzFeed Dave: Yeah, nipples. And then someone ate a nipple I think?
Ders: Is it weird that I knew?
Adam: Well, nipples do grow back though, right? I think they regenerate.
Ders: They just grow back longer.
Adam: I think it’s real. I think so.
Kyle: That’s fucking gross.
Ders: Let’s get a little BuzzFeed fact-check on that?
[Ed.: Yeah, no. Nipples don’t magically grow back when cut off without the help of a doctor or cosmetic surgeon.]
Kyle: Yeah… I think I’m switching to LARPing.
Adam: I’m going to write every answer I choose and then “4 Lyfe.”
Ders: This is pretty easy.
Adam: Well, I mean, we’re really good personal friends with a gang of wizards from another realm and they’re gangster rapping wizards. They have an album out on iTunes that you can check out called Purple Magic and we have weirdly become really good friends with them.
Blake: They’re so nuts.
Adam: They’re really nice guys.
Ders: Poker games and stuff. Also, zombies are so…a little played.
Adam: It’s gonna die out as soon as Walking Dead is done. Zombies are over. We’re going on, like, 10 years strong — the zombie decade. Which is, like, depressing. That’s what our kids are gonna remember our generation [for]: “Oh you guys wore a lot of neon with YOLO written all over it and you were all waaay too into zombies.”
BuzzFeed Whitney: I was personally over zombies as soon as I saw the Workaholics episode where Adam waits in line at the heroin clinic.
Ders: We had that idea before Season 1.
Adam: It was in our first packet.
Ders: They didn’t want us to do it and then four years later they were like, “ZOMBIES!”
Adam: “They are hot right now.”
Ders: It’s interesting.
Kyle: It’s like, “Man, Gina!”
Adam: (Pointing to his drawing) Can you tell what that is?
Ders: Are those Usher muscles?
Adam: He’s got a little bit of a front-butt situation. He’s got a thick ass, man.
Kyle: Dude, mangina rules. Ders, odd man out.
Ders: Well you can do it anywhere.
Adam: And girls can do thumb penis. I guess it’s more a move for the ladies.
Kyle: Have you seen all of the pictures of Zack doing manginas everywhere?
Blake: He did a mangina at the Grand Canyon.
Adam: Our friend is trying to do manginas at every national park.
Kyle: It’s really funny.
Adam: It is cool. Whenever we’re at a party, we won’t even be that drunk yet, we’ll be, like, three beers deep, and he’ll just like come out and then you’re like, “OK! It’s started.”
Blake: That was actually one of the best battles we ever won with Comedy Central as far as censorship goes. We got a mangina on air. Adam had to really … you couldn’t see pubic hairs so [he] really had to clean it up downstairs.
Ders: We were the first in TV history.
Adam: Yeah, a TV first.
Ders: We do that a lot though, so it’s not even a big deal.
Adam: It was us and Fraiser. Niles did something like that.
Kyle: That was ‘89 before PC took over the airwaves.
Adam: Um, what’s cool about that is that I didn’t know about the pube thing and that’s just how I was keeping my shit at the time: real tidy.
Blake: I’m getting horny thinkin’ about your mangina right now.
Blake: I have a crush on it.
Adam: I’m the Paul McCartney of the group.
Adam: We saw Paul McCartney the other day — that’s why he’s on my mind. I barely know who that dude is.
Blake: That’s not right! Choose a dad or a mom, I can’t do it. Parents in general are the best. I can’t do it.
Adam: (To Kyle) Oh wow. So you love your dad way more than your mom?
Kyle: No! She just said to choose one so I did.
Ders: The world doesn’t need any dads. The world needs moms.
Adam: Moms for life, man. You can be Jay Z without a dad but you need a mom. You can be a coke dealer, then you can learn how to rap without writing your rhyme sound in a book and then you can sell a ton of records and make it to the top. Surfboard.
Blake: What about Nelly? Nelly had a very strong connection with his father. It was man and little man.
Ders: But did he have a mom?
Blake: I don’t think he did, but —
Ders: BUT DID HE HAVE A MOM?
Adam: Nelly didn’t have a mom.
Blake: He was a dad-only guy.
Adam: That’s bullshit. You don’t know that.
Kyle: You can’t be alive without a dad either, bro.
Ders: People do it every day.
Kyle: No, you can’t. You can’t.
Blake: Let’s just stop the mom versus dad violence.
Ders: Whenever I see on a show that’s like, “My mom took off…” [I think] Moms don’t take off. That’s why the answer is moms.
Kyle: Oh moms take off, man.
Adam: I know your mom. Who are you talking about?
Kyle: You guys are making it seem like it’s equal on either side, but it’s a very hard thing to choose, moms or dads. But I’m choosing dads cause I’m gonna be a dad someday. (To Ders) You are a dad.
Ders: And I wanna kill myself.
Blake: (Sings) “Girls become mothers, and turn into lovers, so fathers be good to your moms.”
Ders: Moms don’t even need a song about that shit. “Fathers be good to your daughters” — somebody had to say that shit.
Kyle: (Sings) “Butterfly kisses…”
Adam: What’s that from?
Kyle: A dad wrote that to his daughter. It’s a great song.
Blake: That’s like the number-one jam dads dance to with their daughters at weddings. It’s the “Butterfly Kisses” song.
Adam: If they’re there!
Ders: If they’re even there.
Adam: Penny Devine for life.
Adam: Well that’s easy for me.
Blake: This is like choosing mom and dad again.
BuzzFeed Emily: So why Austin Powers?
Adam: I feel like it was the money spot for me. You know, it came out when we were in, like, eighth grade, the first one. And then they kept coming out all through high school. You gotta say “Yeah, baby!” a lot, you gotta go to high school dances with frilly shirts. That was, like, my whole game for picking up chicks: quoting Austin Powers. Didn’t work.
Blake: Wayne’s World was just, like, Wayne’s World. Austin Powers wouldn’t have even been a thing without, like, Ace Ventura.
Ders: Noooooooo. Mike Myers is OK on his own, man.
Kyle: Austin Powers 2 was the first movie I saw two times in the theater. The one with Fat Bastard.
Blake: I think mine was Kings of Comedy. We worked at a movie theater so that was on repeat.
Kyle: Yeah. That shit we saw all the time. And Sarah Silverman.
Adam: I mean, the Austin Powers trilogy … I mean, he was the guy that sort of let Beyoncé shine.
Blake: Do you think they…with… another?
Adam: Yeah, I do.
Ders: BuzzFeed: THIS JUST IN.
Adam: I 100% do.
Kyle: Don’t tell Jay.
Blake: Mike Myers and Beyoncé got shagged, baby.
Ders: They’re hard to compare, but Wayne’s World is like the Beastie Boys “Check Your Head” and “Ill Communication” is like [Austin Powers]. They’re very similar but one’s just a little bit tighter. A little more polished. And that’s Austin.
Adam: Remember how funny it was when he was naked and would stand and there would be a sausage there. Or when she’s like, “Would you like some milk?” and there’s milk out in front of her titties. That’s genius comedy!
Ders: The pee bit alone was better than most movies.
Adam: Wayne’s World is good too.
Kyle: What about the end when the space ship looks like a dick and they’re like, “Oh my god, it looks like a… Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs!”
Adam: And it keeps going.
Blake: Oooh, I forgot about that. (In a British accent) “Who throws a shoe? Seriously! Honestly!”
Adam: What about when Will Ferrell’s chair bottoms out and he’s in the pit?
Ders: “I’m not dead yet!”
Adam: And then you hear people shoot him and he’s like. “Still not dead!”
Blake: Oh yeah! …I hate that movie.
Ders: Blake’s just saying stuff.
Adam: Yeah he’s [just] saying stuff. I know he loves that movie.
Kyle: Yeah, me too. It’s very weird.
Blake: We’ll talk about it in the car.
Kyle: Just because you can’t have Adam… just chill out.
Blake: He makes me horny, baby.
Adam: You sure know a lot of quotes from a movie you hate.
Kyle: And you laugh a lot while quoting it.
Blake: (in an Austin Powers accent) Honestly!
Ders: What’s a quote from Wayne’s World?
Ders: That’s pretty good.
Blake: That movie is really Canadian, man. Maybe I should change [my answer].
Kyle: Whatever, man.
Adam: Oh, fuck.
Kyle: I’m in looooove.
Blake: I’ve seen her in my head a million times.
Kyle: (to Blake, who wrote down “Jessie”) Who the fuck is that?
Blake: Well, that’s what I call her. I call her Jessie. Jessica Rabbit.
Ders: [My] drawing [is of April] drawing the ninja turtle sitting in the chair. Y’know, where she’s just sketching him in a child’s movie for a deep-ass twenty minutes.
Blake: Legitimately though, I think Jessica Rabbit is, like, my first boner.
Ders: Oh, it wasn’t even the cartoon.
Adam: You knew something was up. It was the first time you’re like, “Oh, she’s a freak.” You didn’t even know what that meant but you were like, “Oh I’m into that.”
Blake: It’s a really real thing because dudes get her legitimately tattooed on their arm. It’s like saying “My first boner.”
Ders: You know April O’Neil is not wearing anything under that jumpsuit.
Kyle: Oh yeah.
Blake: She was just poured into that.
Adam: She’s stacked. That lady’s built. It’s a tough one.
Blake: They don’t make ‘em like that anymore, I’ll tell you what.
Kyle: April O’Neil was the hardest action figure to find —
Adam: I had an April O’Neil [action figure].
Kyle: — because all the dudes who were 12 years old picked up April and just jacked off.
Adam: The first lesbian situation and first threesome I was ever involved in was April O’Neil, She-Ra, and me on a dock on the Mississippi River.
Kyle: Wait, what?
Adam: Yeah, my grandparents had a cabin on the Mississippi River and I had the action figures and I was just like sitting there on the dock thinking, What if these two were rubbing up against each other?
Kyle: Do you think she ever…did the turtles?
Ders: Hell yeah.
Adam: Her and Raph had a thing. It was cool because that was who I related to the most.
Blake: Her and Splinter. Master Splinter.
Ders: Casey Jones was hitting it.
Kyle: Oh, Casey Jones definitely did it with her doggy style in the first movie.
Blake: It’s true.
Kyle: How do you spell “hover”?
Adam: I just wrote down “H-Board.”
Blake: (Sings) “Surfboard. Surfboard.”
Adam: (Sings) “Surfboard. I love you, B. Oh, B, I love you.”
Kyle: Isn’t time up on these things already? According to the time frame of the movie. They’re supposed to exist already.
Adam: This is the clock from Back To The Future. It’s not even close to midnight, actually. So I guess we have a lot of time to get all of our stuff done.
Blake: That was the easiest question yet.
Adam: Yeah, we need a tough one. That Austin Powers one was really …rough.
Ders: Do fish have genitals?
Blake: Like a mermaid?
Kyle: But then you’re fucking making out with a fish.
Adam: They don’t really have teeth; they just have like little ridges if it’s a crappie or a blue gill. …Mississippi River.
Blake: Or an orange roughy.
Kyle: So we don’t have to pick if it’s a boy or a girl?
Adam: Fish dicks.
Blake: Fuck. Not everything needs to have a sexual connotation.
Kyle: And Blake’s mad about it. Top or bottom half be fish? I can’t figure it out.
Ders: Here’s how dudes are: If it’s got something going on downstairs they’re gonna end up fucking it.
Adam: Uh, this doesn’t look like a fish at all. This is such a bad drawing.
Ders: It’s a woman who turns into a penis.
Adam: She looks like a yolked-ass dude. (Pauses) All right, well…
Adam: Well the first one sounds awesome. The second one… I could get arrested.
Ders: I got nothing to hide.
Blake: Me neither.
Kyle: Fart popcorn! I fucking love popcorn.
Blake: I don’t want to write it but I agree with it.
Kyle: And you would eat it too?
Blake: I’ll eat your fart popcorn.
Adam: Fart popcorn. That was an easy one — but does it taste good? Would it be normal, buttery? Or like a kettle corn?
Ders: I still don’t understand the search history one.
Kyle: I don’t either.
Ders: This [farting popcorn] is cool and that is bad.
Kyle: You never go hungry. You’d have all the nutrition you’d need for your whole life.
Adam: As long as you can fart.
Ders: When I fart it sounds like I’m making popcorn.
BuzzFeed Dave: The caveat here is that you can’t kill yourself.
Blake: Jar Jar basically had a fish head and that’s kind of cool.
Adam: He got a bum rap.
Ders: Who fucking cares, man? Those movies are stupid.
Blake: Actually, he’s the only reason to watch the movies. Because he’s so hilarious.
Adam: You all went “looks like”? But if you talk like him you have a hilarious voice. And you’d be someone people want to kick it with.
Ders: Right, but then you’d just be a human. If I looked like Jar Jar Binks I’d be instantly recognizable, famous. I could write books and stuff…
Adam: Yeah, well, OK. I’ll change it.
Ders: …be a DJ or something.
Kyle: (To Blake) Who’d you go with? Oh, “Fish head.”
Blake: I feel like I already answered it in the last question.
Ders: I like how the movie sucked and everyone leaned on Jar Jar Binks. It was pretty bad anyway.
Blake: Me-sa Jar Jar Binks.
Ders: I’d call myself Nar Nar Binks.
Adam: Once? One time poop a softball?
BuzzFeed Dave: One and done.
Kyle: So one time you sweat mayo…
BuzzFeed: Nope, forever.
Ders: Are we talkin’ 12 inch?
BuzzFeed: We’re talking regulation size.
Adam: Softballs are not 12 inches.
Kyle: Maybe in circumference.
Adam: I’ve never heard anyone say “Let’s go play some 12 inch.”
Kyle: I’m not trying to have a softball come out of my butt.
Blake: (Sings) “I wanna run through the halls of my high school…”
Ders: (Holds answer) And then you just put the softball in a fucking trophy case and you don’t worry about it for the rest of your life.
Adam: Softball, what’re you doing? (To Kyle)
Kyle: Sweat mayonaise.
Adam: Oh, but you love mayonaise.
Ders: And you already do [sweat mayo]. You’re doing it right now, man.
Kyle: I’ve got it coming of my armpits.
Adam: Yeah you’ve got a real juice going. This guy is Hellman’s till he dies.
Blake: I love mayonaise. Every birthday when I was a kid I’d go to Black Angus and just dip my burger in mayo.
Adam: How funny is it when the G goes out in Black Angus?
Ders: It’s always funny.
Adam: If you own a Black Angus, are you like, unscrewing bulbs once in a while?
Blake: On April Fools’ Day at least.
Adam: That happened on the 405. That G was out for a minute.
Ders: Uh, so when there’s no G it just says “Anus.” So it’s hilarious to us.
Adam: Yeah, it’s hilarious to us.
And also to us.
Workaholics airs Wednesdays at 10 o’clock on Comedy Central.