The Definitive Ranking Of Men On U.S. Currency By Hotness
You might say Alexander Hamilton really was… drop-dead gorgeous.
12. James “Will Never Love You” Madison
Two words: widow’s peak.
11. Grover “Mustache Guy” Cleveland
Such a great name — but it’s hard to imagine there was a time not so long ago when a mustache of this robustness was cool. It’s actually almost impossible to analyze this face sans the mustache. Props for the ability to grow such a thing; points taken for doing so.
10. William McKinley
What’s there to say about William McKinley? They say the cruelest emotion of all is simply nothingness. No hate, no love, no spark. Fine combing job and average features.
9. Salmon “All About The” Chase
Hold a thumb horizontally over Chase’s forehead. Hold another finger perpendicular to that. Squint. You might kind of see Tom Hanks. Maybe. Maybe even Channing Tatum. Whatever it is, it’s not so bad. Salmon is good for you, after all.
8. George “Washboard Abs” Washington
George. Not the first guy you’d bring to a party — yet, somehow…not the last. With a certain tilt of the head and a heavy squint, he looks just the smallest bit like Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
7. “Babe-raham” Lincoln
Wayne’s World had it right when they created this term, though it definitely wasn’t you they were talking about, Mr. Lincoln. No matter! The hollow cheeks that models would envy, that stoic look and our collective knowledge of the genius behind those eyes is enough for a slow nod — and a slow clap, too.
6. Ulysses “Doesn’t Smile Easily” Grant
Ulysses “You’ll Miss Me When I’m Gone” Grant. Some might say you bear the tiniest likeness to Ernest Hemingway in his later years; these people would be giving you a very charitable assessment. Still. That’ll do, U. That’ll do.
5. Benjamin Franklin (America’s first pickup artist?)
On the (ahem) face of it, Ben Franklin is no looker. Where is the neck? What is that haircut? Why is there so much cheek and even more forehead?
Yet, Franklin was America’s first famous ladies man thanks to his wit and humor and thus, he earned spot No. 5, considering what he was up against physically. Besides, “Benjamins” is synonymous with hundos, which is very cool.
4. Thomas “Gentle Eyes” Jefferson
“He’s so beautiful,” whispered one BuzzFeed employee. Jefferson is extremely polarizing, as per an informal survey; some find him unappealing, while others claim he’s a top three, hands down. These people cite something attractive in his sad eyes, a quiet confidence, and his slight cleft chin.
3. Andrew “Windswept Frat Locks” Jackson
AJ. Your face is weirdly long. But your hair is awesome. And you know what? So are your eyebrows. You get bonus points for having been a frontiersman and for helping get your wife out of her unhappy marriage, back when society was not so cool about that kind of thing.
2. Woodrow “Wouldn’t You?” Wilson
Ah, Woodrow “Would Row Across A River For You (And $100,000)” Wilson. Great hair and even greater rimless glasses. Your biographer called you a “spellbinder” — and this is as good a time as any to note that magic never dies, good sir. You really are right on the money.
1. Alexander Hamilton, America’s Sweet Prince of the Pocket
It’s only fitting that Alexander Hamilton is the face of the $10, because he is a 10, through and through. That Grecian nose! Those soulful eyes! The coy smile playing at the corners of that perfectly etched mouth!
Judging by other pictures of the former Treasury Secretary, the artist responsible for this image may have painted an excessively flattering portrait, but no matter, for we all benefit. Gimme a five? No way. Gimme a ten, any day.