The Definitive Ranking Of “SpongeBob SquarePants” Characters By Hotness
â™« If nautical crushes be something you wish… â™«
15. Mermaid Man
Why You’re Thirsty: He’s a superhero who can control creatures of the sea. Automatic sexy points.
His Downside: That outfit. It must go.
14. Barnacle Boy
Why You’re Thirsty: He’s also a superhero, but he’s respected by lots of villains. Which makes him exponentially more impressive.
His Downside: His crankiness is off-putting AF.
13. Karen Plankton
Why You’re Thirsty: She’s completely honest, and is a great, supportive wife to her off-the-rails husband.
Her Downside: Her bossiness and sarcasm causes for a lot of friction in her relationships.
12. Gary the Snail
Why You’re Thirsty: He tends to surprise others with his intelligence. Plus, he could serenade you with his musical talent.
His Downside: His extreme stubbornness can sometimes be obnoxious.
11. Squidward Tentacles
Why You’re Thirsty: He’s got a confidence that no one can rival. And musical aspirations that could potentially go somewhere…if he finds more talent somehow.
His Downside: His apathy can make him a real drag to be around.
10. Sheldon Plankton
Why You’re Thirsty: He’s a business owner and also grew up an outcast, so he’s ~misunderstood~. Which is totally adorable.
His Downside: His criminal record is beyond cringeworthy.
9. Mrs. Puff
Why You’re Thirsty: She’s got a great sense of style, and believes in people that don’t even have faith in themselves sometimes.
Her Downside: She literally blows up when frustrated or nervous.
8. Eugene Krabs
Why You’re Thirsty: Like Plankton, he’s a business owner, which shows major determination. He’s also a former cadet in the Pacific Navy. Military sea creatures = dreamy.
His Downside: His greediness and obsession with money usually translates to being cheap.
7. Patrick Star
Why You’re Thirsty: He’s adorably ignorant to most things, but in a way that you want to help him instead of getting frustrated. He’s also an amazingly loyal friend.
His Downside: He’s not the smartest starfish in the sea by any means.
6. SpongeBob SquarePants
Why You’re Thirsty: His overall positive outlook on every single aspect of life makes him really fun to be around.
His Downside: He’ll never be able to drive you anywhere. And you wouldn’t want him to.
5. Pearl Krabs
Why You’re Thirsty: She’s athletic, and definitely knows what she wants.
Her Downside: Completely unlike her father, she has no sense of control when it comes to spending, so she comes off as extremely spoiled.
4. The Flying Dutchman
Why You’re Thirsty: Rugged men are so dreamy. Seriously. Plus, who doesn’t like a friendly dude?
His Downside: While he can easily bond with others, he’s also capable of being a straight-up asshole. Also, he’s a womanizer. No, thank you.
3. Sandy Cheeks
Why You’re Thirsty: Any squirrel who is that good at karate is definitely swoonworthy. She’s also not afraid to tell it like it is.
Her Downside: Sometimes her attitude can get the best of her.
2. Larry the Lobster
Why You’re Thirsty: Who hasn’t had a crush on the lifeguard at the pool?
His Downside: Everyone knows he has bad B.O.
1. Fred (AKA the “My Leg!” and “My Eyes!” Guy)
Why You’re Thirsty: He could definitely rev up your fryers.
His Downside: Absolutely nothing.