The Party’s Over: 60 Signs You’re Completely Done With Clubbing
We know. We never thought this day would come either. Doesn’t it feel like just yesterday you were dry heaving over a dumpster with practically no clothes on and laughing about it with the bathroom attendant?
But alas, like “Breaking Bad” and Twinkies, all good things must come to an end.
Clubbing is like a McDonald’s Happy Meal — it’s great until you grow up and realize that it’s totally bad for you and the toy that lured you in the first place is pure sh*t.
After years of believing that there is no other way of life beside David Guetta remixes and well vodka, you’re suddenly changing your tune (and maybe a few diapers).
While we can’t say our bodies didn’t see this coming (staying out past 2 am on Friday night when you’ve worked a 60-hour week just isn’t sustainable), that doesn’t mean we won’t cherish our fond memories of magically cutting the line, successfully dance-balancing in 5-inch heels on the sofa and becoming one-night-only besties with people you can’t even remember now (we blame this on the alcohol, like Jamie Foxx taught us to do.)
It was certainly a good run, but now you can no longer ignore the signs that you’re more into Book of the Month Club than Usher’s “I Wanna Make Love In This Club.”
The uncomfortable shoes, overpriced drinks and terrible music we used to look forward to every weekend have now become the stuff of adult nightmares.
Sorry Lil Jon, we’ve turned down somewhat. Here are 60 signs you’re completely over clubbing.
1. You prefer lounging on the couch more than dancing on it.
2. You’re sick of visiting the Apple store for a new phone.
3. You find yourself complaining that you can’t wear flannels there.
4. When people tell you to “get low,” you think you’re being held up.
5. You’d rather be sucking off your boyfriend than the bouncer. Proverbially, of course.
6. You finally invested in nice, new shoes and you’d like to keep them that way.
7. You throw your hands up in the air sometimes… and face plant onto your bed saying “A-yo, that was a long day.”
8. You’ve significantly scaled back on your glitter use instead embracing the “natural look.”
9. If you hear Pitbull one more time, you will stab someone with a cocktail stirrer.
10. You’re debating ISIS, not where to go after the pregame.
11. Not knowing the names of cool clubs doesn’t upset you nearly as much as you thought it would two years ago.
12. Every single part of club is a line: long lines to get in, lines to check your coat, lines to order a drink, dancing in lines, bathroom lines and lines in the bathroom. Why can’t clubs be edgier?
13. Your booty calls are confused when you text before 11 pm asking to go home together.
14. You really can’t listen to that much Rihanna or Enrique or Swedish House Mafia. Oh hell, I don’t even know what they play at the club these days.
15. The whole time that you’re there, you are thinking about what you want to watch on Netflix.
16. You feel hungover after a single drink.
17. Despite staving it off throughout college, your finely-tuned gag reflexes can finally tell the difference between promoter vodka and the good stuff.
18. You are never, ever going to meet anyone of substance at the club and you know that by now. Who’s down for a wine bar!? Woohoo!
20. You’re confused as to why they can’t just lower the music a little?
21. You’re more afraid of wearing your high heels than you are of looking really stupid in flats.
22. You’ve run out of Neutrogena face wipes and aren’t keeping them on your nightstand anymore.
23. You can’t even force yourself to stay up to late-night eat.
24. You want to go to the bathroom without waiting half an hour.
25. You’re literally wearing a shirt that you wear to work to da club. You’re popping another button like you’re popping bottles, thinking you’re sooooo bad.
26. You refer to it as “da club.” See: above.
27. You purchased a white rug.
28. You wear underwear now.
29. You’re sick of picking up the pieces of your life every Sunday.
30. Because you actually like wearing a jacket.
31. You hate math and still have trouble with the concept of a “ratio.”
32. While waiting on line, you can spot the Forever21 skirt that you wear to work on another girl who is conveniently wearing it as a shirt. This is what you and Mel Gibson call a “bad sign.”
33. The thought of dancing with strangers doesn’t excite you anymore… it scares you.
34. You no longer consider “club hopping” a legitimate form of exercise.
35. Your dry cleaners can now afford to send their two kids to college thanks to your business.
36. Your pillows finally stopped smelling like an ashtray at Hooters.
37. You tell real stories brought on by real memories — not what you piece together from the text messages from the night before.
38. You seriously question if anyone would marry you if he found out you once hooked up with a DJ, and not the Diplo kind.
39. You much prefer your disco bowl to the disco ball.
40. Drunk anxiety is no longer funny to talk about over a brunch you can’t afford. It’s real.
41. Your knees have given out from too much twerking.
43. You carry earplugs in your going out purses.
44. Because for just $75, you can lose all your friends and then spend the better part of the night finding them.
45. Strobe lights make you nauseated.
46. Variations of the smokey eye trend don’t excite you like they used to.
47. You start talking about cab fare the minute you get there. “Who lives uptown again?”
48. At age 25, you’re older than everyone else.
49. You find yourself saying things like, “I’d rather pay for a whole apartment every month than for a table.” (Is that what the kids are calling it these days?)
50. You complain about how crowded it is when there are more than 10 people present.
51. Sleeping is just more fun.
52. You can fall asleep anywhere AND YOU’RE NOT AFRAID TO DO IT.
53. Facebook photos are no longer a priority.
54. Despite countless times trying to make an effort on your part and reconcile your differences (he likes hanging outside the club, you enjoy the inside), you and the club doorman will never understand each other.
55. You forgot to take out cash from the ATM. Suddenly it’s like you graduated from some kind of clubbing college and now you’re the alumnus visiting the
Meatpacking District Clubbing Campus and forgot everything you used to do when you went out at the height of your glory days.
56. Your voice is permanently damaged from constantly shouting over the music and sounds like Alec Baldwin with a cold.
57. You like having productive Saturdays.
58. Your body has this violent, convulsing shudder-like reaction when you merely think about taking shots.
59. Shopping for cute little party dresses has been replaced with cute long wedding dresses.
60. You’re over-identifying with everything on this list.