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What People Say In Their Twitter Bios, Vs. What They Mean

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58 Twitter cliches, decoded.

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Twitter / BuzzFeed

1. “Hardcore travel enthusiast” — I went on a gap year.2. “Unapologetic explorer” — I went camping once.3. “Thrill-seeker” — I bungee-jumped once.4. “Adrenaline junkie” — I cycle to work.5. “Mentor” — I give people advice they didn’t ask for.6. “Homebody” — I’m really boring and I never go out.7. “Foodie” — I will tweet Instagram links every time I go out for dinner.8. “Journalist” — I will tweet nothing but links to my own articles.9. “Fashionista” — I will tweet a selfie every time I leave the house.10 “Yoga nerd” — I went to a Bikram class, and fainted.11. “Fitness fanatic” — I will tweet every time I go for a run, and it will make you feel really bad about yourself, until one day you angrily unfollow me.12. “Long-suffering fan of [X football team]” — I will tweet weirdly angry things that make no sense you, every match day, forever.13. “Telly addict” — I will insist on tweeting about The X Factor, even during the really boring early rounds. 14. “Views my own” — I’ve seen other people write this, and believe it sounds cool and professional.15. “Views my own, not those of my employer” — I want you to notice who my employer is, and be impressed.16. “Views my own (though someone else said it better first!)” — I am making a self-deprecating joke. But seriously, take a look at who I work for.17. “All views borrowed” — See how I’m turning the convention on its head? I am adorably wacky.18. “Gin lover” — I am British.19. “Tea lover” — I am British, and I want everyone to know it.20. “Tea obsessed” — Really extremely keen for you to know I am British.21. “Lover of gin and tea” — I am so bloody British you wouldn’t believe.22. “Gin obsessed” — I don’t actually drink gin, I just thought this would sound endearing.23. “Author of…” — Please, please buy my book from Amazon. It’s about to be pulped. 24. “Incurable music geek” — I’ve got a Spotify account.25. “Proud geek” — I watch The Big Bang Theory.26. “Ultimate geek” — I know HTML.27. “#creative” — I don’t know how hashtags work.28. “#ifollowback” — I am desperate for followers.29. “#influencer” — I will tweet corporate jargon using a pointless #hashtag #in #front #of #every #word.30. “Thought leader” — I have tens of thousands of followers, almost all of whom I bought.31. “Member of Parliament” — I don’t run this account myself, which is just as well because my @replies will be a constant stream of people calling me a cockwomble.32. “Follow me at” — I don’t understand how Twitter works.33. “Find me on LinkedIn” — I’m the kind of person who uses words like “synergy” and “solutionize”.34. “Retweets do not equal endorsements” — I take myself a little too seriously.35. “This is my work account. Follow my personal account here” — I think I’m important enough to need two Twitter accounts.36. “Not the real Harry Styles” — I run a painfully unfunny parody account that will fizzle out after about the 20th tweet.37. “Just trying to get the hang of this Twitter thing” — I am a mum who will write one tweet, give up, and go back to Facebook.38. “Formerly of…” — I can’t let go of the past. Also, I think Twitter is a CV.39. “Creator” — I don’t really create anything, I just sit in a lot of meetings.40. “Loving life” — Nice person. Possibly a bit simple though.41. “Introvert” — I want you to think I’m soulful and mysterious.42. “Bookworm” — I want you to think I’m intelligent.43. “Entrepreneur” — I think I’m Steve Jobs.44. “Thinker” — I think I’m Alain de Botton.45. “Troublemaker” — I think I’m Russell Brand.46. “Problem solver” — I fill in a lot of spreadsheets.47. “Husband. Dad.” — Well whoop dee do.48. “Scriptwriter” — Unemployed.49. “Newspaper columnist” — Professional troll.50. “Web guru” — Bullshitter.51. “SEO guru” — Snake oil salesman.52. “Marketing ninja” — Legitimately awful person.53. “Ad agency ninja” — I think I’m Don Draper.54. “Social media fanatic” — I have no skills or interests to speak of.55. “Social media guru” — Outrageous douchebag.56. “Social media ninja” — Humungous bellend.57. “Social media rock star” — Staggering wanker.58. “Social media Editor” — Charlatan.

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