What You Need To Know When You Leave The Midwest For A Big City
1. You just got a job in the big city! Congrats! Just a few things you might need to know before you arrive.
2. First off: You’ve gotta find a place to stay. Your new rent will be crazy high — three or four times what you were paying before, for a place a fraction of the size.
3. Pretty much anything you find on Craigslist is a scam.
Also: Nothing you look at will be as big as you think. Monica’s apartment on “Friends” was a giant lie.
4. And get used to the idea that your landlord is a horrifying human being.
5. The apartment search will make you hate everything. It will be the worst experience of your entire life.
7. But now you’re here! You survived! Now you’ve just gotta get yourself acclimated to the city.
8. You’ll want to grab some stuff for your new apartment. But sorry, you won’t find a Walmart anywhere close! Or the mall — those don’t exist here.
9. Forget about having a budget. Everything is more expensive than it was back home.
Sorry, but you will not save a penny while you’re out here. You’re going to spend it all.
10. Plus, none of your friends have cars, so your arms are going to fall off bringing stuff back home.
11. But hey, at least at the end of the night, you can kick back with your friends and drink a beer.
Oh, you should know: Beer is more expensive here. WAY more expensive. Your concept of “drink specials” is about to change.
12. Still: You’ve got an apartment! And stuff! And you live in the city! This is the dream, right? It’s just like you saw on TV!
13. Except that it’s not. You’ll never see an always-empty couch like the one at Central Perk. You’ll never drink on a weekday like on “Sex and the City.”
14. Forget about having a neighbor like Kramer — you won’t know your neighbors at all. (But you will be silently fighting with them anyway.)
15. Wave goodbye to personal space, too!
16. Other things worth knowing: People do move faster here. They may seem rude — but they’re just trying to get somewhere.
17. You’ll head to work, and you’ll notice: The temperature is always terrible. You’re always too hot or too cold, and you will have no idea how to dress.
18. Everything is dirty. And everyone is just as dirty.
Basically, everything is disgusting. Have you seen a puddle on the sidewalk? You do NOT want to know what’s in there.
19. And there are always people going somewhere.
You’ll also start to notice people who aren’t at work on weekdays. Who are these people in line for ice cream at noon on a Tuesday? Don’t they have jobs?
20. But soon, you’ll notice awesome stuff happening in your neighborhood. What are all these cameras for? Oh, it’s just a movie filming on your block.
21. And an actor will drop into a comedy club, or a musician will play an impromptu set. You’ll be there to see it. It’ll be pretty cool.
22. You’ll find local places you love to eat, and you’ll hand over your money like there’s more where that came from.
23. You’ll drink on nights you didn’t know you could drink. You’ll go out and have fun mid-week!
26. Then the holidays will come around, and you’ll fly home. And… everything will be cheap. For the first time, you’ll feel rich.
27. You’ll laugh about how nothing is open late, and there’s no good pizza place nearby. You’ll complain about how slow everyone moves.
28. And you’ll start counting down the hours until you can head back home — home, to the big city.
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