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Which Final Four Coach Is The Biggest Douche?

1. Bill Self

Dilip Vishwanat / Getty Images

Reasons He’s A Douche:
• Publicly criticized Kansas fans for saying “Home of the Chiefs” during the National Anthem (in lieu of “Home of the Brave”), despite it being something of a local tradition.

• He wears a pretty crappy toupee.

• Once dressed up like this.

Reasons He’s Not A Douche:
• Was openly rooting for Robbie Hummel in the tournament.

• Doesn’t make the game about himself.

• Recruits players who are rarely assholes and punishes them when they are.

Google Results for “‘Bill Self’ Douchebag”: 30,700

Douche-O-Meter: 4/10 (Bill Self is a good guy.)

2. Thad Matta


Reasons He’s A Douche:
• When a reporter told Matta that he had graduated from Kentucky, Matta said that he would make sure his answers used “real small words.”

• The Ohio State University. Buckeyes are often the most insufferable people, and Thad has totally embraced that community and role. (Note: I am an Ohio State fan.)

• Never gave Mark Titus the playing time he deserved.

• Continues to promote an incredibly boring brand of basketball.

Reasons He’s Not A Douche:
• Looks like Gene Hackman.

Google Results for “‘Thad Matta’ Douchebag”: 3,700

Douche-O-Meter: 5/10 (Not a douche, just a Buckeye. It’s a fine line.)

3. Rick Pitino

Rick Pitino

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Reasons He’s A Douche:
• Excessively plays mind games with rivals.

• Has a douchey haircut.

• Helped pioneer the idea that a successful basketball coach should be a life coach.

• Oh yeah and then he cheated on his wife by having sex with the estranged wife of his team’s equipment manager on the floor of a restaurant. He didn’t use a condom, and then attempted to buy the woman’s silence.

Reasons He’s Not A Douche:
• He was the victim of extortion in that case.

• He has had a tough life: His son Daniel died of heart failure at six months, and he lost his best friend and brother-in-law in the World Trade Center on September 11th.

Google Results from “‘Rick Pitino’ Douchebag”: 65,500

Douche-O-Meter: 6/10 (Rick Pitino is surprisingly less douchey than his haircut would indicate, but still more douchey than his non-Kentucky coaching peers.)

4. John Calipari

Kevin C. Cox / Getty Images

Reasons He’s A Douche:
• Every college he has coached at has faced NCAA sanctions upon his departure.

• When Calipari’s Memphis team was hit with sanctions he immediately bolted for Kentucky, bringing along touted Memphis recruit and all-around hilarious/crazy guy DeMarcus “Boogie” Cousins.

• While coaching the New Jersey Nets called a reporter a “Mexican idiot.”

• He represents everything that is wrong with college basketball. (“One and done recruiting” classes, academic apathy, the whole pretense that “college” is part of college basketball, etc.)

• Look at that smirk on his face.

Reasons He’s Not A Douche:
• An argument can be made that it’s refreshing how honest he is about the ugly side of college basketball.

Google Results for “‘John Calipari’ Douchebag”: 312,000

Douche-O-Meter: 11/10 (John Calipari is the biggest douche of all the douches.)

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